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Find Your Magical Creature
Zodiac Signs
Faun
Ianuarius
Auspicious beginning, or not-so-good ending. If you are born under this sign, always look forward—not back—as too much considering the past and you are likely to trip and fall on your nose. With any luck your new year will be a lot better than the old one but don’t count on it . . .
Caprae -Goat
Soap
Februarius
Your life is governed by Dualities—dirty/clean, black/white, manic/depressive. You tend to have a large, but oddly-symmetrically-shaped, heart. With you, Love is in the Air, and that’s generally where it remains...
Februa - Cleanser
Cat
Martius
War-like and belligerent, you do well at Family Holiday Dinners. People love to hear you repeat your stories about how you almost enlisted that time. Your innate fierceness makes you a sucker for extended warranty cold calls. . .
Lupus - Wolf
Sprit
Aprilis
Due to warming tendencies, you appear torpid and drowsy because of the annual expansion of your peripheral vasculature. This is called Spring Fever and is valid unless you live somewhere else on the planet. You likely consider planting and fertilizing without giving any thought to consequences.
Aries - Ram
Pixie
Maius
Flowers in your hair; flowers everywhere. You tend to go blissfully astray. Pollenous, allergic, anaphylactic, near-death-experiencing. Fun. . .
Taurus - Bull
Gargoyle
Iunius
Bust out all over. All indicators point to your role as the middle-aged and jealous partner of the King of the Gods. But, then, one can’t have everything. You have a keen interest in marriage and childbirth—in a particular order. Otherwise, Good Corn. . .
Pavo - Peacock
Harpy
Iovius
King of Gods or, at least, his assistant. You have a strong interest in Animal Husbandry. You may find that you are not pleased with your own physical appearance and seek, periodically, to change it in certain situations possibly involving maidens and the like. Consider Body Dysmorphic Disorder counseling.
Aquilae - Eagle
Dryad
Cerealis
You enjoy morning-times more than most. Your greatest challenge is whether to have raisons or no raisons. Kind, considerate, you may find yourself drawn to the question of the existence, or not, of yearly cycles. . .
Granum - Grain
Fire Horse
Vestialis
It is said several female aspirations are comfortably at home in your sign. You often find yourself debating the question of the relative value of Experience vs Purity or Lack of Bias vs Ignorance. Good luck. Oddly, the results of several runs of The Tarot most commonly and convincingly associate two random words with your sign: “Monkey Beans.” ??? We don’t know.
Asinus - Ass
Sea Dragon
Neptunius
Deep and chthonic, you have a tendency toward great amounts of facial hair. If this does not suit, then you could try Eflornithine. Water loving. You would do well with Irish Setters, and Labradors or Golden Retrievers. You enjoy seafood (but try to keep crab cake crumbs out of your beard). If you should have a red-headed daughter, seek out agent from music industry. You have a preference for salty language, but avoid saying, “Argh!” You also have affinity for rum for some reason. . .
Piscis - Fish
Butterfly
Uranius
As we are no longer in 3rd grade, we will assume you will forgo painful and awkward recitations of tasteless jokes associated with the saying of your sign. Remember, when pronouncing, emphasis is always placed on the first syllable. On the bright side, you are often associated with technology, innovation, discovery, progressivity, enlightenment, objectivity, novelty, and ingenuity—but also, rebelliousness without cause and irresponsibility. Say that ten times fast.
Scorpius - Scorpion
Poison Thorn
Saturnius
You demonstrate a grave tendency toward limitation, restriction and judgement. You are very depressed. Your attempt to bring meaning and structure to your life reminds us of the limits to time and matter. If you are not too tired, you evidence a commitment toward responsibility and boundaries. Your friends consider you boring. However, when you wield the keen-bladed instrument of self-control, meaning and dedication—responsibility and discipline fly out the window. . .
Falx - Sickle
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